-92% of the entire group (138 people) are majoring in bullshit (communications, business, marketing, philosophy, political science, sociology, anthropology, etc)
-Of that 92%, ~98% are females (135)
-Only 5% of the group are majoring in actual "hard" science (physics, chemistry, biology, computer science, etc). This is not to be confused with "soft" science (3%), also known as pseudo-science (psychology, economics, etc)
-Only six people (4%) know precisely what affirmative action is
-A staggering four people (2.67%) are aware that Richmond was the confederate capital during the civil war. The other answers ranged from Fort Sumter to Atlanta to "I'm so fucking stupid I didn't realize we had a civil war."
-Since I work for NASA this summer, I figured I'd test the general knowledge of the agency. Not surprisingly, ~63% (95) of the respondents didn't know that NASA is a federal agency. Additionally, absolutely no one knew that NACA was the preceding agency of NASA
-94% (141) people believe the most important thing in life is money
God damnit, I can't go on. College kids are so fucking stupid. If anyone wonders why this country is lagging so far behind other nations in science, math, engineering, or anything remotely useful in the 21st century, it's because so many dumb college kids are pissing around and studying worthless subjects. Art history, physical education, history, writing, English...who the fuck cares? None of these majors mean a damn thing in the real world. Nobody is impressed because you know the "hidden" subtext of Shakespeare's Macbeth or the former capital of the Byzantine Empire. Throw that shit away. It just doesn't matter. Not a single sane person in the real world cares about what useless knowledge you have accrued, because it's all about what skills you have and what you can contribute to society, which is most likely nothing if you're studying bullshit. I can't restate this enough: college kids are just too damn stupid. Just too stupid.
This country is seriously fucked, and my generation is completely incapable of doing a damn thing to save it.
Justin 'The' Varner
[ 2 comments ] ( 78 views ) |
( 5 / 5 )**Update (07-01-09): Looks like ashtrayman finally decided to stop getting his ass handed to him on a silver platter and finally do something useful with his fictitious Stanford degree. Either that, or he took my advice and headbutted the sidewalk to death. I love being a humanitarian.
Just when I thought getting dropkicked in the face was enough to warrant the need to shut the fuck up, ashtrayman decides to fire back with his final dosage of stupid. Behold:
From: theashtrayman@gmail.com (06-24-09)
To: justinvarner@justinvarner.net
I find it fitting that Penn State ranks #1 in Elementary Education. That seems to be the upper limit of achievements out there in State College - at least judging from the intellectual caliber of there alumni. But I've been out of school for some time and have moved on - I hope you are someday able to do the same, though I won't be wagering on that.
You are so transparent it's pathetic. Wait, maybe I shouldn't be so judgemental. Perhaps you're suffering from Asperger's Syndrome - the AMA equivalent of 'uncontrollable need to be a self-righteous prick'. Wikipedia assesses that no effective medications exist, so if I were you I'd try shock treatment. The lobotomy was already successful.
I did not contact your adviser; however, I did find his location - some backwoods NASA test range in a part of Virginia that I honestly did not know existed until now. That means I was quite correct in my guess that the only place NASA would put you is far away from the mainstream populace. I suppose you would need a securrity clearance to empty garbage cans and clean up for important people. As an aside, if you remember your SAT-style analogies, 'Custodial Engineer' is to 'Janitor, as 'Systems Analyst' is to 'flunky'. Deal.
I know you won't have the nuts to post this one, because somewhere deep inside you must realize that I'm simply better than you. When you have nothing else to work with (i.e. you've lost), you attack others for grammar, spelling, ANYTHING to convince yourself that you matter. And you know what? That smug feeling you might feel now from (possibly) finding a mistake in my message? Orchestrated, my friend. I count exactly three errors, placed purposely just to toy with you, puppet. I am a silent king in this game of life, and you are but a loud-mouthed pawn. So you should bob on my bishop and admit.
Me: I really do appreciate the fact that you decided to send me yet another email instead of a comment, because that definitely makes you significantly less of a pussy. With that said, you are still, after all, an idiot. During your entire tirade, you never once addressed the fact that you're actually an ITT Tech grad with a degree in communications. I, as well as the 55,000 other readers who visit this site, find it very hard to believe that you graduated from Stanford with an M.S. in Chemistry. Perhaps the main reason why it's evident that you're full of shit is that you continue to send emails to a complete stranger at 9:37 at night when you should be off doing, oh wait, what is it exactly that ITT Tech grads do at night? Now I remember, not a damn thing.
You also like to downplay Penn State's myriad accomplishments by proclaiming that Elementary Ed is the only thing the school has to offer. Since you claim to have a degree in "hard" science, let me give you a few more statistics about Penn State that you would have undoubtedly discovered here had you not failed out of 5th grade:
Geochemistry - 2nd
Geology - 3rd
Earth Sciences - 7th
Analytical Chemistry - 8th
Nuclear Engineering - 7th
Physics - 6th
Computer Science - 12th
Chemistry - 16th
Astronomy - 4th
Damn ashtrayman, you could have saved thousands of dollars going to Penn State instead of an overpriced and overrated university that bangs out mindless, 9-5, brown-nosed, pencil-pushing corporate slaves. If only you would have done your research before you had your parents shell out $40,000 a year for your lazy, unmotivated, worthless dumbass to attend college, they might not actually think you're a complete burden to society, and maybe you'd actually have a job being a janitor for NASA, you never know.
Speaking of NASA, since you really don't know what the hell you're talking about, the base I'm at is located in Wallops Island, VA, but it's actually a branch of the Goddard Space Center in D.C. Contrary to your misinformed presumptions, Wallops is actually a great location surrounded by several large metropolitan areas each no more than 2.5 hours away, which include:
Philadelphia
D.C.
Baltimore
Annapolis
Wilmington
Virginia Beach
Ocean City, MD
...etc
There goes the whole notion you had that I'm stationed at a remote facility in the middle of nowhere. In fact, I was also offered to work at either The Kennedy Space Center in Orlando or Goddard, but I chose Wallops because of their excellent computer science intern program. Congratulations, your only semblance of an argument has just been completely invalidated, dipshit.
On a final note, I find it quite hysterical that every time you send me an email, you "dare" me to publish it, as if I'm too afraid to rip you a new one. In case you haven't noticed (since you're a moron), I've posted every email you sent me thus far, verbatim, and I'll continue to post whatever weak retorts you send me because I enjoy making you look like a bag of ass. As long as you continue to cower behind your online moniker and email address, no one will know where to find you and kick your ass. That reminds me, how about you send me a message from your Stanford email address next time. If you seem to have trouble finding it (i.e. you don't have one because you never went there), just go ahead and send me an email using your ITT Tech account, that should be good enough. After you do that, feel free to headbutt the sidewalk until you die. You won't be missed.
Always the best,
Justin 'The' Varner
[ 13 comments ] ( 1033 views ) |
( 4.6 / 24 )Nothing brings me more joy in life than removing old, boring, and annoying facebook friends who I'll never talk to again
For those of you who don't follow me on facebook (probably because I deleted you), now's your opportunity to rack up some big points by removing all of your obnoxious, stupid, and boring "friends" from facebook. Here's a list of criteria to determine if the person you're considering deleting is indeed a fake facebook friend:-You haven't talked to them in over a year
-You haven't talked to them ever
-You've never even met them
-You're only friends with them because they have a hot profile pic
-You know this person through a friend who knows your mom's boyfriend's daughter, just give up already there's no common bond so kindly go faceplant on the sidewalk
-You added them while you were drunk
-You accepted their request while you were drunk (which is roughly 90% of the people I removed)
I'm not gonna keep tabs here, but play along and see just how much fun you can have. I managed to knock off 89 assholes, and my mini-feed instantly became less cluttered and more relevant. In other words, if you're tired of all those annoying pricks telling you what their favorite five animals are or how many times they got fucked in the ass last night, do yourself a favor and dropkick them out of the universe, metaphorically speaking. I've said this before and I'll say it again: nobody cares if you just ate a sandwich or took a bath; you're not important, so stop trying to garner attention through the only avenue that hasn't completely rejected you yet, though I can't wait until they administer tests to determine if you're too stupid to use the internet. That would eliminate approximately 99.99979% of the current facebook population. Holy shit, the world would be so much better.
Justin 'The' Varner
[ 4 comments ] ( 142 views ) |
( 4.1 / 13 )Ashtray man strikes again, only this time it's even better:
From: theashtrayman@gmail.com (06-17-09)
To: justinvarner@justinvarner.net
Subject: I'm surprised
First I'd like to apologize for making crude remarks about your girlfriend - I know you're probably still upset about the night she sprung a leak. Second, I'm actually quite surprised that you posted my message at all, as most readers would probably agree that it was in fact you who were embarrassed.
If you were literate and able to understand context, you wouldn't have included the 'you assume I go to a southern tech school because I'm a northeastern know-it-all dipshit' comment in your rebuttal. The fact that you did only goes to show that the more you criticize the (many) things you do not understand, the more you actually expose you're own ignorance and douche-baggery.
FYI, I earned both a B.S. and M.S. in Chemistry from Stanford University, a 'real' university as you put it, and one that I might add emphasizes academic excellence over football mediocrity. I earned scholarships as well, but do not (present moment excluded) feel the need to explain that to others - that behavior is reserved for spanks and those with small (and forever dry) dicks.
As far as your 'credentials' are concerned, I must admit that I simply do not believe you when you say that you worked for NASA for a semester. Delivering a pizza to a NASA scientist does not qualify that claim. I suppose you could have spent some months sweeping floors at one of their remote test facilities - at least that way you wouldn't have been allowed to infect any measurable segment of our population with your idiocy. But I still think that claim is a pathetic lie on your part.
I may check out your site again, but I won't look for this e-mail to be posted. I do not believe you possess either the mental capacity or ball diameter to reply - you would only be 'pwn3d' again.
Me: I'm gonna keep this short, ashtray, because I know you must have a shitload to do what with your impressive Chemistry degrees from Stanford University. I'm curious though, how exactly does a Masters degree recipient from Stanford just happen to stumble upon this website? Could it be because you didn't actually go to Stanford, you dolt? Then, you have the audacity to claim that Stanford University is an academically rigorous school whereas Penn State is just a mediocre football college. Newsflash dumbass: Penn State is one of the most highly respected universities in the country, not to mention the entire world. On top of that, the students at PSU not only do well academically but actually know how to have a good time. The last time I checked, you Stanford kids are known to lock yourself in the library all week and play DnD on the weekends. I know it's probably an exciting life in your microcosm of a universe, but for everyone else with a pulse, go drown already. Nobody cares if you have a three Ph.D's from MIT if you still can't do a damn thing in the real world. Oh, and since you're such a presumptuous cock, here's an abridged list of the programs in which Penn State ranks 1st nationally:
-Landscape Engineering
-Architectural Engineering
-Marketing
-Geological and Mining Engineering
-Elementary Education
The list goes on. In fact, go here and proceed to scratch your head like a shit-eating buffoon wondering why you decided to pull assumptions out of your ass in the first place.
On a final note, I'm a systems analyst at NASA, a position way beyond your understanding and one in which I was required to obtain a security clearance. In other words, shut the hell up because you don't know anything. Just for the record, go ahead and contact my adviser if you need to ask any questions about why you still don't have a job even with your "prestigious" Masters degree:
[redacted]
Ohhh boohoo, it looks you're the one who just got pw3nd. Go to hell, you're wasting my time.
Justin 'The' Varner
[ 6 comments ] ( 242 views ) |
( 4 / 24 )Update (06-17-09): Holy shit you guys are awesome: 328 unique visitors in one day! I don't know why I've been hating on all of you for so long. I'm really sorry. Just kidding, I hope you all get cancer.
**Update 2 (06-16-09): Readers now have the ability to rate each post. Not that I care what you think, but just in case you think your opinion matters (it doesn't), you now have the ability to express that by giving me a one for every entry. Additionally, I will no longer moderate comments and will instead just delete all of the stupid ones (and there are many). The hate mail rule still applies: if you decide to criticize me and won't man up and send an email, then your comments will be deleted. End of story. Boohoo.
**Update (06-16-09): 262 new visitors came to the site yesterday. Some of you guys actually rule, but everyone else can go to hell.
**Update (06-13-09): My buddy Rob has a great online radio show known as The DFL Experience. Be sure to visit the site and get the online stream here, or go to hell.
No matter what any moronic pundit or news commentator says, this country is fucked, thanks in no small part to all of you idiotic, wasteful, apathetic people who were busy spending into oblivion without understanding the consequences of your actions. It may be too late to ever restore prosperity to this country, but here are five practical things every stupid consumer can do in an attempt to survive this tumultuous inferno more formally known as the collapse of America.
1) Stop buying stupid shit you don't need with money you don't have: This seems simple enough, but so many people fall into the trap of signing up for a credit card with 25.7% variable interest rate and then buy stupid shit from McDonald's, Starbucks, Nike, and Hollister. This usually begins with a harmless $2.00 iced coffee at Dunkin Donuts and ultimately ends in you getting fucked in the ass by the long dick of the credit card companies.
2) Don't try to keep up with Tom Jones: Again, this should be obvious, but it seems like everyone is caught up in this idiotic game of catchup. If little Suzy gets a bike, then big Johnny gets a four wheeler. Nobody cares. If your possessions are the only thing that defines you, then you're obviously a vapid, pathetic excuse for a human being, and you should be shot.
3) Stop driving 10 miles out of the way to save .00001 cents on a gallon of gasoline: It always humors me when stupid people brag about saving a penny on a gallon of gas that they had to drive across four towns to get. Oh, so you managed to spend only $2.35 on gas as opposed to $2.36? Wow, you already used up your savings by driving out of your way to get the fuel, dumbass. These are the same types of people who spend 8 hours a day looking through newspapers for coupons from every god damn store imaginable just so they can save a few bucks on dumb shit that they probably don't need. Congratulations, you're an asshole. Go to hell.
4) Turn off your damn lights, and while you're at it stop breathing: The most likely place to see complete waste at work is college dormitories. Bro's and hoe's love to walk in and out of their rooms, leave their TV's, stereos, lights, and other bullshit still on, and have their AC cranked while it's 90 degrees outside and their windows are open. I know mommy and daddy are footing your electricity bill because you're an incompetent buffoon who thinks you shouldn't have to work in college, but do everyone else a favor and choke. The next person I see leave their door open while they run to the library will have their shit thrown out the window and into the dumpster.
5) Start producing and stop consuming, or at the very least get a damn job: I don't know why it's such a difficult concept for most people to understand that if you're broke or bored, you should probably get a job. You can't expect to get something from nothing. You're not entitled to anything in life. If you don't work, you don't deserve to eat. Simple as that. If you hate your job, find a new one or get an education. The government isn't going to save your dead ass from sinking into oblivion. Take responsibility for your actions and stop mooching off others. God damn I hate people.
Justin 'The' Varner
[ 12 comments ] ( 472 views ) |
( 4.3 / 36 )**Update (06-11-09): My friend surprised me and made a badass business card. Holy fuck, she's awesome. Maybe I'll give her the honor of going down on me tonight, but that depends on whether or not Iron Chef is on.
**Update 2 (06-09-09): I just can't resist ripping this dipshit apart:
From: Ashtray (theashtrayman@gmail.com) [06-06-09]
To: justinvarner@justinvarner.net
Subject: Not sure....
I've stumbled upon your site, but I'm hoping you can save me the grief of actually reading the full content. Let me guess... science and/or engineering student, not finishing in 4 years, possibly Big 10? Maybe one of the GA/VA/TX/etc. 'Tech' schools, but you don't come across as Southern Redneck - more just Northeast-Know-It-All-Dipshit. I'm torn.
I apologize - I did not mean to criticize, as you and I (on the surface at least) seem to share similar opinions on many subjects. The difference being that I am actually articulate, finished my education on time, and am a productive member of society - not a pseudo-intellectual lump of... something... Oh, what to call you? But I digress...
I do believe I saw you cleaning my pool a few years back. I was going to tip you; however, you reeked of jerky and old-lady basement, so I declined and merely peeled out out of my driveway with you in my mirror and your girlfriend (or sister? Not sure...) on my lap.
Congrats on a great site. And your sis/gf says, "Mppph mmmm mlm."
Me:
I think the most perplexing part of your email is the fact that you assume I go to a southern tech school because I'm a northeastern know-it-all dipshit. I'm not sure how you made that deduction, but then again, I wouldn't expect someone with the nickname "Ashtray" to know a damn thing about anything.
So, you graduated from college in four years. Congratulations, go ahead and read this and this. Since you're so pressed for time (e.g. masturbating) at 12:12AM on a Saturday night, let me sum it up and tell you that nobody cares that you graduated from college with a B.A. in Philosophy. It doesn't make you any more qualified to flip burgers than the next guy. The reason I'm taking 4.5 years to finish at Penn State (a real university) is because I'm double majoring in Math and Computer Science, plus I took a semester off to work for NASA. Did I mention I'm going to college for free because of an academic scholarship? It doesn't matter because I don't need to justify my existence to someone who probably received a piece of paper from Bob Jones University. Oh boohoo, I bet you don't feel so important now.
As for your pool, I do remember taking a dump in it last week while your girlfriend performed fellatio. Just kidding about the girlfriend part, you don't have one. Better luck next time, dumbass. You've been pwn3d by the creator of the cosmos, so kindly go kill yourself before I embarrass you even further.
Justin 'The' Varner
**Update (06-09-09): Big ups to all my fans who have signed me up and continue to sign me up for spam. I'm grateful you're helping me break in my new spam filter. Just kidding, go to hell, assholes.
**Update (06-05-09): For all the dipshits out there who think I write my own hatemail, check out a few snapshots of my messages:
Email #1
Email #2
Yeah, that's what I thought you presumptuous cocks.
8==================================D----
As promised for quite some time now, I've finally finished the third volume of hatemail which is compiled from emails sent to me in the past six months. Just when you thought the second round of hatemail was the upper bound of sheer stupidity...
Compilation #3:
From: Stan Wilkerson (igotyourback787@ptd.net) [01-09-09]
To: justinvarner@justinvarner.net
Subject: Why are you still alive
I can't believe soneone hasn't tried to assasinate you already youre a complete disgrace to society and you need to be ostricized because you have no right to hurt the friends and families of the Virginia Tech Massacre burn in hell!!!!
Me: Look up the concept of "periods" next time. No further comment needed. Next.
From: (xxxsuckitdudesxxx@gmail.com) [01-15-09]
To: justinvarner@justinvarner.net
Subject: Fuck you stupid asshole
First off I hope you get cancer because I hate you. Secondly, please die because you're definitly the curelest person everrr. And finally why do you hate feminists so much I just don't understand yur logic
Me: I would assume that if you wish cancer upon me then you'd also want me to die, so there's no reason for the superfluous second point, dumbass. And what I don't understand is y u gottaaa spell words wrong. Stop wasting my time, go to hell.
From: Matt Heiser (heisma01@gettysburg.edu) [03-23-09]
To: justinvarner@justinvarner.net
Subject: How many schools have you been through now?
Hey asshole, just thought I'd touch base since you got kicked out of gettysburg. Where the hell is your crazy ass at these days? I'll be surprised if you ever graduate because you're fucking insane. We all got our laugh here, but hey best of luck to u and in the future try not to go batshit crazy again.
Me: Good to talk to you again Matty, it's always a pleasure getting fanmail from people who condemn my site yet still return to it years later in an attempt to fill their otherwise empty lives. As for where I'm at, I've actually transferred to a "real" university and I'm studying, get this, two difficult majors: Computer Science and Math. Oh, and I'm also working for NASA this summer and my business is booming. Hmm, how's the real world treating you now that you have that prestigious degree from Gettysburg College? I could have saved you countless hours and thousands of dollars by just referring you to ITT Tech, dipshit. At least then your parents wouldn't feel so bad about wasting $160,000 on your lazy, apathetic dumbass to "earn" a degree in management, which means a shit load of nothing in the real world. It looks like I got the last laugh, haha. You fucking suck.
From: Mellisa Dixon (dixonm@susqu.edu) [05-06-09]
To: justinvarner@justinvarner.net
Subject: I'm a feminist so piss off
What is with your hatred and contempt for women. YOU WILL BE A LONELY AND BITER PERSON FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IF YOU DON'T CHANGE YOUR WAYS AND CONGRATS ON GETTING KICKED OUT OF THE FEMINIST HOUSE ONCE AGAIN YOU ARE A TERRIBEL PERSON!
Me: I appreciate the input Melissa, but stop typing in caps because it makes you look like an idiot, though that's already implied since you are a feminist. I thought you would have learned that in your challenging writing courses. Remind me though, what exactly can you do with a writing degree anyway? Oh, that's right, not a damn thing. Above all else, the most hypocritical thing about feminists is that they preach "equality," but when it comes to getting an equivalent beat down from a man, suddenly it becomes abuse. The door swings both ways bitch. If you want equality, then don't expect to be able to hit a man and not get slammed through a cactus next time. Get a new cause already, you're tiresome.
The following emails are too short and/or stupid to warrant a proper response:
From: Dan Johnson (dj1254@yahoo.com) [04-03-09]
To: justinvarner@justinvarner.net
Subject: You aren't >g0d
You're a idiot with a face
From: (coolguyfromjersey11@yahoo.com) [04-19-09]
To: justinvarner@justinvarner.net
Subject: The best part of waking up...
Is knowing tat you still can't offend me haha fuck off
From: Stacey Amherst (samherst09@bc.edu) [05-18-09]
To: justinvarner@justinvarner.net
Subject: Jail is the place for you
You are the worst person ever you hurt children and rape girls you need to be in jail.
My reponse: Thanks for breaking in my new keyboard, I hope you all get lupus.
Compiling this volume was more painful than the Holocaust. If someone wants to volunteer for the next round, send me a message and I'll be sure to delete it.
I>U
Justin 'The' Varner
[ 14 comments ] ( 1126 views ) |
( 4.3 / 15 )There used to be a time when real men ruled the earth, wrestled woolly mammoths, and ate children just for fun, but this time is no more. Today, women talk about how they love emotional guys, which everyone knows is bullshit because women like assholes who treat them like shit. If you don't believe, go here, or kindly jump out of the nearest window. Anyway, this false notion that women love sensitive men has given men an excuse to act like total fucking pussies. For example, I know this kid who has a thing for minors, which is fitting considering he has the mental maturity of a ten year old. Immaturity notwithstanding, I absolutely exploded one day because he was acting like such a damn pansie. He was messaging his 17 year old girlfriend and saying stupid shit like "Oh calm down honey, don't cry. You make me weep when you do that", and "It hurts me when you don't call me every night, I feel like something is missing in my life." Yeah, you're damn right there's something missing in your life: a daily asskicking from bigfoot. Long story short, I headbutted him into a mosh pit that just happened to be filled with cacti, and then he died.
The moral of the story is stop pretending to be emotional because you think girls "dig it." Start being a real man and reclaim your balls, or I will permanently ruin your face. The next guy I see crying with his girlfriend during The Notebook is going to get a steel boot to the colon.
Holy shit I love myself.
Justin 'The' Varner
[ 5 comments ] ( 174 views ) |
( 3.3 / 8 )**Update (06-05-09): Maybe you guys don't suck that much. In the past week, over 1,200 new people visited this site. Keep on spreading the hate, or go to hell.
Here's the newest email sitting in my inbox:
I know you're trying to stir up emotions from readers and strike controversy. But the only offensive thing about this website is that it's totally and completely 100% RIPPED OFF.
www.thebestpageintheuniverse.com
You even copied off some of his exact topics, phrases, and quotes. You're so unoriginal it's ridiculous.
Me:
Go ahead and read the the faq section before you fire off stupid comments next time you presumptuous cock. Specifically, check out this question:
Q: I've read your stuff and it's pretty funny but it seems very similar to other stuff on the internet like Maddox, Tucker Max, blah blah blah. Why don't you write your own stuff for once?
A: This questions baffles me. For one, all of the articles I write are completely original and unique. It is true that I reference quotes or articles from solid writers I admire, but credit is given where credit is due. I don't copy anyone's work. I write what I want the way I want. The fact that my writing may bear a vague resemblance to other writer's work simply justifies that my technique and style is the best in the universe. There's no point in fixing something that isn't broken.
How many times are you idiots going to cry about me ripping someone off without substantiating your claim? God you people suck.
**P.S. Hatemail vol. 3 will hopefully be out this week
[ 3 comments ] ( 272 views ) |
( 3 / 5 )**Update (05-25-09): I'm almost finished compiling the third volume of hatemail. I should have it out in the next week or so. I'm also considering releasing the first chapter of my new book on the intrawebs, but I don't think any of you assholes are worthy enough. I'll keep you posted...
**Update (05-22-09): Since I'm such a humanitarian, I'm giving all my readers a sneak peak at my upcoming novel, "You're worthless and you know it." You can read the excerpt here.
**Update (05-19-09): I'm writing a book titled "You're worthless and you know it," which I plan to finish by spring 2010. Details to come...
**Update (05-13-09): I just got a sweet ass Twitter account, and I promise this is the only Twitter feed you will ever need to follow.
**Update (05-10-09): Thanks to all my fans and critics alike who helped to make yesterday a record-breaking event. 286 new people visited my site and over 51,500 total people have visited the site in less than two years. I'm so awesome.
**Update (05-09-09): Big ups to SA for making my traffic skyrocket in the past couple of days. Now nearly 51,000 people agree with me about everything, because I'm the absolute authority on everything.
**Update (05-05-09): Over 50,000 unique visitors and counting. I seriously love myself.
So get this, I was at party tonight, which I soon discovered was a feminist orgy. Wow, what a fucking joke, I know. Anyway, this dumb bitch (I'll refer to her as SA), kicked me out from the party because I was "too much of a badass", and asked me to leave. I actually overhead her saying I was a chauvinist pig; yeah, that sounds about right. The only problem with that deduction is that I don't hate women, just feminists. Anyway, I did her a favor and dropped kicked her through a cactus. Just kidding, but not really. Well, this reaffirms everything I stated about feminists: they're worthless, smelly, and worthless. Am I being redundant? Who gives a shit, I'm the ruler of the universe and I'm better than you. In case you were wondering, you should probably commit suicide SA because you have no future. Your career options are limited to flipping burgers and getting fucked in the ass. In other words, 50,000 unique visitors now realize you should die. Go to hell.
To end, I'll quote my brother Tucker Max: "You know you're doing something right when people are talking about you, whether it's good or bad. There will be critics, there will be fans, but in the end I'll never consider giving up my first amendment rights just to appease the whims of disheartened assholes who envy the popularity they wish they could attain."
Justin 'The' Varner
[ 25 comments ] ( 2611 views ) |
( 3.6 / 7 )As if facebook wasn't sufficient enough for the most egotistic, narcissistic assholes out there, Twitter rolls along and promises users the ability to chronicle every insignificant, boring, and utterly trivial thing that happens to them throughout the day. Here are some of the recent statuses I've found from users of twitter:
-I just woke up, going for a jog now.
-My cat just died, he was only four.
-I shit the bed. Where did I put my other sheets?
-I ate a sandwich with ham, cheese, pickles, onions, and lettuce. Then I'm going to eat some yogurt.
-I crashed my car into a ditch.
-My period has come and gone. Time to go apologize to my boyfriend.
-I just got the swine flu. I'm probably going to die.
Honestly, how do people have the audacity to revel in such boring nonsense? This just reaffirms the self-proclaimed importance that most people assume in their lives. I don't care if you just took a nap or lost your keychain; you're annoying and stupid, so go die. The only seemingly useful application of this service is for people that are far away (like in other countries) who want to keep in touch. Beyond that, it sucks. All you pompous dipshits need to get bent already.
Justin 'The' Varner
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