I am > G0d, you are not

There's no you in we

Justin Varner — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 21:28:38 GMT

Yesterday, I had to punch at least ten people in the throat for being so presumptuous. No, this wasn't my weekly ritual of busting faces and stomping ass, it was my retaliation against people who pretend to be part of a professional sports team. For example, some kid was walking down the hall at school talking to his "bros" about how the Giants beat up on the Redskins last Sunday. He went on to say, "Yeah brah, it was great. Eli was bombing it to Toomer. Portis got shut down, dawg, it was ill. We were killing them out there." Oh really, "we" were killing them? The last time I checked, you weren't out on the field, because if you were, you'd be dead. So of course, I proceeded to stick out my leg to trip him so that he'd bash his face in, but in typical Plaxico Burress fashion, he accidentally shot himself in the leg with a handgun he had lodged in his waistband, and then he died.
However, I almost went berserk over the idiotic Phillies fans that came out of nowhere after the World Series. All of a sudden, everyone was jumping on the bandwagon and playing grab ass with each other all because a baseball team won a game. Who cares? And, once again, everyone was proclaiming that "we" did it. No, the Phillies did it, you just sat on your dead ass and watched, and you probably ignored anything relevant in life leading up to the game. Go die already.
Well, there's no reason to keep pissing and moaning because the laws of physics are already hard at work. Absolute power crumbles absolutely. What does this have to do with anything? Everything.

Justin 'The' Varner

Brand favoritism is for morons

Justin Varner — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 21:14:26 GMT

Every once in awhile, I'll run into into a Nintendo fanboy who's even more annoying than the worst Apple fucktard. I usually proceed by sticking my favorite brand of steel boot up their ass. If you ask most people why they got a Ford Mustang instead of a Chevy Camaro, they'll probably tell you because they like Ford. Why the fuck does that matter? People must assume that Ford can do no wrong if they have the audacity to judge a product based on a companies' past performance (which in Ford's case is a train wreck) instead of the actual product. This reminds me of all the dumbass liberals that voted for Barack Obama because he's "a democrat", as if that arbitrarily vague term even means anything anymore. Go ahead and ask an Obama supporter where he stands on preemptive war, and I'll be damned if they give you an answer besides "he's black."
I'm not forgiving McCain's supporters either because they're just as inept. But of course, his supporters are harder to come by these days. In any case, I'm going to pick up some new puma shoes, watch a new movie on my Sony Blue Ray player attached to my Panasonic HDTV, and sip my Starbuck's cappuccino, because I just love brand names. I also really love mass-produced bullshit and mindless conformity, but who doesn't?

Justin 'The' Varner

As if this hood rich gansta needed even more money

Justin Varner — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 15:30:43 GMT

Well, it looks like the website collegescholarships.com has given the ruler of the universe a finalist position in the 2008 blogging contest.There are 20 contestants left, and the final winner will be determined by total public votes received by the November 20th deadline. Go here to vote, or go to hell. If you want to see the other shitty contestants, check this out.

Have you heard that the country is still in the shitter? So much for Obama inspiring people to change. Haha, you people suck.

Justin 'The' Varner

What's so bad about voting for the status quo?

Justin Varner — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 02:10:23 GMT

It seems like I've been running into a shit-ton of people lately who are afflicted with the wasted vote syndrome. These are the people who think that not voting for a mediocre mainstream political candidate is by all measures a "wasted vote." Of course, most of these people don't actually vote on issues but rather focus on arbitrary party lines and insignificant personal qualities like background, race, communication skills, and gender. Yes, these are the morons who rule America.

In any case, people who sincerely vote for a candidate they support, whether that candidate is republicrat or third-party, shouldn't be condemned. Of course, it always seem like society only scolds those who take an unpopular stance on an issue, but just so long as every other idiot votes for the status quo and the same bullshit groupthink ideals, everybody is happy.

I just don't understand how people can be so dumb. There are actually people out there who believe Obama is going to change the world. Then, when I ask them for some substantive evidence to back up this claim, they usually just refer to the fact that Obama makes women lose their shit every time he speaks. Wow, that's very convincing. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and give my endorsement to Hitler, because everyone knows he made many an idiot sprout a tent in their pants with words alone.

The point is, it doesn't make any sense for people to decry those who vote on principle, rather than popularity or arbitrary party lines. Voting for a candidate on issues extols the fact that you believe in a philosophy and are tired of the mainstream political system. If nothing else, it demonstrates your commitment to genuine candidates who focus on real issues and ideas, instead of sly rhetoric and cunning lingo. It reminds me of the debate about the tax plans of Obama and McCain. Obama pledges to cut taxes for 95% of middle-class families, and John McCain pledges to cut taxes for all but 5% of the middle-class. Is there any difference? No you fucking idiots, it's all semantics! And that's exactly what this election is about.

A vote for an asinine mainstream candidate is a vote to perpetuate the status quo. You're not a maverick or a hero; you're a fucking idiot. Neither candidate is going to change anything. THEY ARE ALREADY BOUGHT AND PAID FOR.

Justin 'The' Varner

I guess some website titles are meant to be self-reflexive

Justin Varner — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 19:30:46 GMT

**Update 4 (10-27-08): I must have more admirers from Canada than I previously thought. Someone just left this comment under an old post: "this is pretty gay." Hmm, it's so gay, in fact, that you continue to sit on your dead ass and visit my website, just to get your ass handed to you on a silver plate with all the trimmings. Way to throw another gasoline soaked hippie on the tempestuous inferno that is my ego, dumbass.

**Update 3 (10-24-08): At this point, I think "Scott" is just trying to recover from PTSD, and he's attempting to use my site to bring solace to his otherwise empty life. He just left two more long-winded, utterly vacuous comments in yet another attempt to bolster popularity to his unpopular blog. Sorry Scott, but tl;dr. Oh, and by the way, using pictures you stole off of the internet and adding trite captions doesn't constitute you as a "good" writer. Go away.

**Update 2 (10-23-08): Like I said, this guy is obsessed. Here's a snippet of a comment he left 2.34 seconds after this post was submitted:

"My article about fashion trends has nothing to do with anything Maddox has EVER commented on (Under Armour, American Apparel, Lululemon) nor to I blatantly cut and paste his phrases/comments into my articles. So I would call my idea's and writing original."

My response: Of course you think your writing is original, you wrote it, you fucking idiot! Have you ever consulted a reputable source to get an honest opinion of your tiresome rhetoric? Oh, and good point about Maddox not commenting on the same material you wrote: If Maddox decides to write about Hollister, why not write about American Apparel instead? It still makes you edgy and original, right? Great logic. And just in case you want to read a post of mine that Maddox hasn't commented on, check out "Why I am awesome and greek life is not", "Ron Paul is the only presidential candidate worth voting for," or any one of the 83 other articles on this site. Thanks.

**Update (10-23-08): Wow, Scott just can't get enough! Being an eager beaver, he just accidentally left this comment twice:

Hello again, you're a dumb ass. You claim that I'm a coward for not revealing my name in an e-mail, first of all Scott is my real name and secondly, if you want e-mails why bother having a comment section? Idiot. Also, you claim that I am a coward for not revealing myself, I left my real name, my real email and (get this) my real URL. I guess you feel like a jackass now for saying I should learn to make my own website, since I already have one.

[redacted] (you should check it out)

So, now that you understand who I am, why don't YOU stop being the coward and actually post my comments instead of just your rebuttals? Oh that's right, because you're pussy. I'd like to give you a tip, jackass, just because you can manipulate your mouse to click 'synonyms' on Microsoft Word doesn't make you a decent writer with an impressive vocabulary. You're phrases are either tired, uninventive or STOLEN from real satirists like Maddox. Seriously, get a new M.O. the whole hating on vegetarians, environmentalists, women, etc. has been done, and done well, you're ruining that with your shitty disgrace of a website.

You claim that you are �original� and that you �give credit where credit is due�. Yet even in your reply you said, in reference to bloggers:

�document every trivial piece of minutiae that fills their boring, vapid lives.� (October 2008)

While Maddox said (get this, in reference to bloggers):

�document every tedious bit of minutia filling their uneventful lives� (July, 2005)

Busted, asshole. Like I said, using synonyms and copying Maddox doesn�t make you a good writer, only a shit-head plagiarizing asshole. Same comment, same context, except Maddox wrote it a few years earlier. Yet where�s the credit to Maddox? I don�t see any you lying pussy. And that�s just one post out of countless you�re written/stolen.

I look forward to your reply, although it wont make much sense because you're too much of a coward to post my comments. Get fucked to death by a horse you pasty fat Polock-looking asshole.

Cheers,

Scott

My response: Hey Scott, thank you so much for calling my bluff. You've only managed to do what every other moron who attempts to criticize me on this site has done: attempt to reveal any semblance of an association between my writing and another internet satirist's. Very good observation, have you ever considered doing detective work? Oh, and since you like to claim that I rip people off (a cunning tactic from an equally cunning moron), I noticed that every one of your articles was stolen from other talented satirists on the internet. For instance, you "wrote" an article titled "Stupid Clothing Trends I Hate (but you love)", where you basically reworded Maddox's post "Fashion tips for women from a guy who knows dick about fashion" (link). You see, Scott, the difference between you and I (aside from intelligence, social status, and communication skills) is that you blatantly plagiarize material using ver batim appropriation without any attribution of the source. On the other hand, if I find some interesting material that I want to link to or use, I cite it. Just in case you're unfamiliar with that technique, you should check out Research Methodology 101 at a local community college near you. I must commend you for your ingenuity, though. There are plenty of other examples on your blog, but there's no point in promoting your hackneyed excuse for a website. After all, you don't even have an Alexa web ranking yet, so I can see why you thought this would be a good opportunity to plug your site on a forum that is infinitely more popular (and entertaining) than yours. On a final note, I allow comments for praise and constructive criticism, not whiny, half-assed bullshit from pussies like you. If you actually read the FAQ section or disclaimer, you would understand that. Actually, since we're on the subject of ripping people off, let me link you to a hatemail Maddox received from an eager fan who claimed he ripped off George Carlin: Detective Dick. Keep up the good work Dick, and keep writing unique and original material for your imaginary audience.

P.S. Remind me again where it says that a writer owns a particular phrase? Oh yeah, that's what I thought.

Justin 'The' Varner

Holy shit, it's a perpetual moron marathon!

Justin Varner — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 01:49:12 GMT

I hope by now an astute reader of this site can deduce that I typically don't address criticism in the form of comments anymore (see this, or this, or this). If you have something to say, stop being a pussy and reveal your identity or send me an email. It's that simple. I can't even recall how many times I've restated this policy, but alas, the moron marathon is still in full swing. Most recently, a coward using the moniker "Scott" had this to say: "Man this site sucks, it's hard to fathom a person this stupid." [...stupidity ad infinitum]. This is just a snippet of the 10,000 comments left by "Scott" in the past 24 hours. Among other things, "Scott" claims that he "can't stand this site," "I copy Maddox," and "I eat half-priced appetizers at Applebees." Of course, I could go through and utterly destroy every one of his comments, but I've already done that many times. Instead, let me keep this brief, Scott, and refer you to the FAQ section. If Scott had just read this section before he decided to ramble on like an idiot, he could have undoubtedly avoided the humility of sounding like every other dumbass critic who comes to this site and cries and moans like a sissy rather than actually learning something, like how to make their own web site. I know it gives you solace to think that anyone, let alone me, cares about what you have to say, but just in case you feel like conveying your emotions to an imaginary audience, go ahead and register for a new account on xanga.com. It's the perfect forum for angst-ridden, crybaby teenagers to document every trivial piece of minutiae that fills their boring, vapid lives. Have fun.

Justin 'The' Varner

The American Nightmare

Justin Varner — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 02:34:18 GMT

Do you get the sense that the American consumerist lifestyle is coming to an end? If not, you're an idiot. Call me crazy, but I'm actually really excited about the tumbling markets and plummeting economy. This crisis is finally signaling the end of the reckless and dangerous American lifestyle that has permeated American culture for the last 50 years. No more endless spending sprees, extravagant mansions, and 26" chrome wheels for your stupid Escalade; mostly by necessity and somewhat by choice, this lifestyle is rapidly coming to an end.

There are a few reasons for this total meltdown. The first of which is because credit is no longer cheap, and it will never be cheap again because the debt has ballooned out of control. On top of that, most foreign investors are looking to extricate themselves and get rid of any and all US debt they currently hold. Why would any sensible nation continue to lend money to the US at reasonable interest rates? Considering the government is on the verge of bankruptcy, it probably isn't a good idea for anyone to have confidence in the American financial system.

However, the main reason this fiesta is crashing to a halt so quickly is because people can't afford it. If you think things are bad now, wait about a year for the bailout money to take full affect on the US currency, not to mention the other numerous bailouts that will undoubtedly be proposed (and passed) to save other "essential" companies before that time. What we are witnessing is the destruction of the dollar by hyperinflation. Just like in Germany after World War I, you'll likely have to wheel in a pile of money to the grocery store to buy essentials. This is what happens when the currency gets destroyed, and history has proven that this inevitably ends in the complete destruction of the country's economic system. Rome and The Soviet Union are just two prominent examples.

It's about time all you braindead idiots get what you had coming. Maybe now you'll actually start caring about what happens in the world.

Justin 'The' Varner

**Update (10-09-08): 30,000 unique visitors in roughly one year and three months. I>U

Justin Varner — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 18:58:17 GMT

Justin 'The' Varner

Who thought so much fail could lead to so much success?

Justin Varner — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 00:08:24 GMT

The picture below has just been nominated for an appearance on FAIL Blog. If anyone is wondering, the truck flipped sideways at the intersection of routes 11 and 15 near K-Mart in Shamokin Dam, PA, and Buck and I just happened to be there. I rule.

P.S. In case my astute readers didn't notice, I redesigned the site ever so slightly. Questions? Comments? Send them here so that I can break in my new delete key.

Justin 'The' Varner

Breaking news: America's imminent financial collapse forces people to live within their means

Justin Varner — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 03:55:16 GMT

Anyone with a pulse could have predicted that the US economy was headed for total collapse. The variable in the equation was how long it would take, and as recent events have indicated, the answer is "soon enough."

So, how did it get to the this point? While most of you braindead idiots will point fingers and blame George Bush, his administration, or any number of other fictitious causes, rarely do you ever look in the mirror and realize that your apathy and sheer ignorance, combined with the majority of the rest of the country, are the root causes of this financial collapse and any other future financial meltdowns, given America will even survive to see another crisis of this magnitude. More specifically, there are four main reasons why America is headed for total financial collapse, and they include:

1) Population explosion - The earth was only designed to sustain at most 2 billion people living under "acceptable conditions." As we speak, there are over 6.6 billion people on the planet, and a predicted 10 billion by 2050. To understand what overpopulation does to finite resources, let's use an analogy. Suppose you have a pie, and you slice up in four even pieces; one for you, your brother, your mom, and your dad. Life's great. Now suppose that you have an unexpected guest show up for dinner and they want a piece of the pie. You have a choice: divide the pie into five pieces, thereby giving each person in your family a smaller slice, or have someone agree to give up their slice. Not a big deal. Now imagine that you have two more people, or four, or six, and so on. Well, you can do the math from here.

2) Apathy and Ignorance - I've touched on this in several of my previous posts, but now more than ever it is increasingly evident. Most people assumed that they could lead a frivolous lifestyle full of excessive waste. Everyone is always trying to keep up with the Jones', which means spending more money than you have, working meaningless jobs for shit you don't need, and using resources that you can't afford to use. I'm not sure what happened in this country, but somewhere between the credit boom, corporatism, consumerism, and now, people have managed to pile on trillions of dollars of debt by spending money that isn't theirs on shit they don't need. Cars, houses, yachts, Starbucks, Nike, McDonald's, and all kinds of other stupid bullshit. All the while, nobody seemed to be in touch with the reality of the situation: money has to come from somewhere. The credit boom and gluttonous consumer lifestyle is rapidly coming to an end, and the early signs are apparent. Oh yeah, and did I mention that nobody in this country gives a damn about what happens within the government? It seems like most young kids today think their vote doesn't matter, or they simply can't make a difference in the world. Although the first part might be true, you can still certainly "make a difference" by persuading other idiots just like you to get out and vote, and that's just for starters. You could even take it a step further and study economics and history so that you can fully understand why the country is in this predicament.

3) The majority of our leaders have an IQ below 120 and are not qualified to make rational political, social, and economic decisions - Let's face it: most politicians really are morons. Why else would they decide to take the political route? To make a difference? Haha, anyone who tells you that is full of shit. Politicians don't give a damn about anyone; the only thing they care about is getting reelected and securing their congressional junket. And this of course is due to the fact that nobody holds them accountable. Some of you like to point fingers at George Bush and his abysmally low 29% approval rating, but did you realize that the Congressional rating just dipped below 18%? Of course you didn't, and you don't plan on doing anything about it besides crying and pissing because you can't afford My Little Pony.

4) The Federal Reserve is a fraud, economics isn't a real science, and nobody seems to understand that economics isn't a real science - One of the underlying causes of our current economic crisis is the Federal Reserve system. For those who don't know, the Federal Reserve is the central American bank run by rich, private bankers. There is no oversight and no accountability. The Fed was established in 1913 as a way to give morons comfort during times of financial panic. Of course, the first great depression happened fifteen years later despite the fact that the Fed was enacted to prevent such catastrophes. Anyone who does a little research knows that the purpose of the Fed isn't to prevent "panic," but to regulate the money supply and create artificially low interest rates. Whenever there is a crisis, everyone summons the Fed to either print more money out of thin air, causing hyperinflation, lower interest rates to allow for low-interest rate loans (cheap credit), or to fix (inflate) market prices, all while pulling assumptions and statistics out of their ass to make it look like the economy is healthy. Remember hearing about the Consumer Price Index (CPI) which supposedly measures the average price of consumer goods and services? Well it's bullshit, because everybody knows that inflation isn't 2.9% annually. The cost of bread alone increased 60% in the past four months, and gasoline is roughly 40% higher than it was at this time last year. If inflation were really only 2.9%, people on fixed incomes (social security, pensions) would be able to afford the cost of living. As we all know, this isn't the case anymore. Compared to 2001, the average family has $2,000 less annually to spend, and effectively $6,000 (adjusted for inflation) in 2008. That means you can't buy that new fuel-efficient Dodge Ram this year. Boo hoo.

I could go on and on, but it's not worthwhile for me discuss the matter any further. Go and do some research and try and come to terms with the fact that you're a moron who is ultimately responsible for the current crisis the US is in. Well, not entirely, but you do still play an important role. I forgot to mention one important thing during this post: don't say Ron Paul didn't warn you.

Justin 'The' Varner

Since I'm on the subject of childhood heroes...

Justin Varner — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 01:27:37 GMT

I don't care what anyone says: Bill O'Reilly eats children and pregnant mothers. I mean that in the best way possible. Examine the clip below if you need further proof:

In other news, I hate everyone. Alright, maybe that isn't news, but I thought I should remind you before you decide to fire off stupid emails.

Justin 'The' Varner

George Bush is the man, and you know it

Justin Varner — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 00:36:15 GMT

Although it may seem like I'm an anti-neoconservative bush-hater, I actually think George W. Bush is a great president. And no, I'm not just being facetious, I really mean it. Here are some reasons why W kicks ass:

1) He kept the US safe from terrorists (when's the last time you've seen a 9/11 happen? Oh wait...)
2) He patched up relations with China, India, and the Middle East at large
3) He worked to create thousands of jobs every year during his presidency and kept inflation seemingly low (~2.9% in 2007)
4) He weeded out the morons who couldn't afford to survive in the richest country in the world and transferred the wealth to the intelligent people that deserve it
5) He inadvertently sparked the alternative energy revolution by keeping gas at a solid $4.00/gallon (although this has little to do with him and more to do with the declining dollar, but more on that later)

I could go on and on, but the point is that W has actually done a very good job as president. Everything that he gets blamed for actually has nothing to do with him. Take for instance the rising fuel costs. Most people who know nothing about economics automatically assume that the president is responsible for oil prices. How absurd! Little do they know that oil has actually remained flat in terms of its value with respect to hard currencies like gold and silver, but has increased significantly with respect to fiat currencies like the US dollar. However, the devalued dollar is a result of myriad economic forces like speculation, currency debasement by way of the Federal Reserve, trade deficits, and so on. The president has almost nothing to do with the soaring costs. There are actually people who think that Barack Obama alone will lower oil prices. I hate to break it to you, but neither Barack Obama nor John McCain is going to change anything.

If you really think about it, when has the president really impacted your quality of life? Sure, maybe there are a few more or less taxes here and there, a few bills vetoed every now and again, but generally speaking, your life has remained the same. Oh, but then you have people who point to Bill Clinton and claim that life was so much better during his term(s). Once again, this had very little to do with the president and more to do with the economy at large. In case you didn't notice, there happened to be a tech boom during the 90's which created wealth for nearly everyone, even people who didn't deserve it. It's only now that many people are starting to pay for their stupidity.

I just don't understand how people place these false hopes in presidents who will ultimately do nothing for this country. If you really want change, you either need to move somewhere else or reevaluate your own life. The president and the government aren't going to help you, unfortunately. I hate to be pessimistic, but that's just the way it is. So please, all you retarded hippies need to shut the fuck up and do something about your own life instead of waiting for someone to come along and save your dead ass. Unbelievable.

Justin 'The' Varner

Do you have a defective device? Why not switch it at Wal-Mart!

Justin Varner — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 19:36:56 GMT

In case you didn't realize it already, you should never have to send anything back to the manufacturer in the event that the component dies. Instead, you should perform what is now widely known as a "Wal-Mart switch." The process is easy, and it only involves three steps, guaranteed:

1) Buy the new component from Wal-Mart that you're looking to swap. If possible, pay with cash.
2). Open the new component, take it out, and place it aside. Now, take the old component and place it in the new box, with all the accessories, cables, manuals, and so on still neatly in place in the box.
3) Take the new box with the old component back to the Wal-Mart return center. Make sure you have the receipt you just received so that the return goes smoothly. Come up with some B.S. excuse for why you are returning the item in question, and you're set. You just got a brand new component for nothing. That's what I call sticking it to The Man.

Some people may consider this operation unethical. Haha, that's funny. People who say that are usually do-good, brown-nosing, shit-faced pencil-pushers that are too hypocritical to even understand the fallacy in their reasoning. Do you even know how and where those new Nike shoes were made? I didn't think so, so kindly shut the fuck up or go die. Either one will do.

I know I'm a genius and the greatest person alive. Please repay the favor by not sending me email. I have 19 unread messages in my mailbox right now, all of which have some variation of the word "buck" in the subject line. God I hate people.

Justin 'The' Varner

I'm not going manic, but I can't guarantee you won't

Justin Varner — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 04:30:50 GMT

Remember that time I kicked so much ass that I nearly ruined the Greek system at [redacted] college, overthrew the oppressive United States government, and established the 72 trillion dollar people's account? Well, even if you're too much of a putz to know what I'm talking about, you'll soon have the honor of reading my manic memoirs. That's right, I'm compiling a collection of stories, events, and first-hand accounts related to my manic malfeasance. Everything from the battle of little round top to the impeachment of George W. Bush will be covered. I hope it's going to be as enjoyable for you to read as it was for me to experience. I also hope this compilation will help to clear up many of the misconceptions about how and why I went crazy, what exactly mania is, and the reasons why you should go manic too. No really, it's a hell of lot of fun, never mind the fact that you will undoubtedly be having a blast at other people's expense. Oh boy!

In other news, I broke a unicorn in half today as I was driving to the supermarket. The damn thing walked out in front of traffic, and instead of dodging it like the dumbass in front of me did (he plowed into a tree), I hit the gas and floored my monster truck into the unicorn's face. And then I realized I had been tripping on acid. Damn, why can't life really be that awesome. Oh wait, I'm the ruler of the universe. Boo hoo, I win.

Justin 'The' Varner

No, I didn't see the last episode of [insert show here], so take that as a cue to shut the hell up

Justin Varner — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 20:16:28 GMT

Much to the dismay of my many fans out there, I haven't forgot about this site or run out of material. I've got enough content to keep this site afloat for years to come, so everybody who thought they would finally see me go away and shut the hell up are in for a rude awakening. I've just been extremely busy lately which is the reason for the lack of new updates to the site.

Anyway, I was talking to an annoying asshole last night who wouldn't shut the hell up about Will and Grace. There's always some dumbass who assumes you've traversed the same vacuous path the last night, followed the same mindless actions up to the point where he turned on the tube and masturbated to Will and Grace. It became even worse when I told him that no, I didn't see or care about Will and Grace, and he continued to prattle on like an idiot. Honestly, nobody cares about Will and Grace or any other stupid bullshit like Friends and Seinfield. Just because you saw an episode of Will and Grace that made you masturbate will self-satisfaction doesn't mean other people want to hear you ramble on like an idiot. The amount of narcissism it takes to subject other people around you to that sort of mind-numbing dullness is mind-boggling.

Also, if you happen to have a conversation with someone, don't drop random names of people and expect the person you're talking to know what the hell you're talking about, such as: "the other night my friends Bob and Lucie came over and made apple pie and sweet tea and we watched The Bucket List. It was a hell of a night." I've actually had that conversation before with a yammering coworker. I did him a favor and dropkicked him out of the window and into a cactus and stole his wallet. Then I ate his Chinese food. Holy shit I rule.

Justin 'The' Varner

Keen detective skills still won't land this dumbass a job

Justin Varner — Fri, 30 May 2008 00:45:16 GMT

Every so often I get an email or comment so stupid it's actually glorious. In this case, a loyal fan who goes by the moniker "Common Sense", who has left myriad comments in the past using different aliases and different IP addresses, decided to take one more stab at me in an attempt to attract attention to his otherwise vapid life. Behold:

Dumbass:

Is this a mirror of Maddox's website that little to nobody reads? Well "Justin Varner" (Seriously, keep the name.) If you're wondering why you get less traffic and more hate mail its simple....Familiarity breeds contempt. I think i'll let the two speak for themselves though.

Worthless: "Feminism: making gender equality progress obsolete since 1964"
Maddox: "Bush: making political satirists obsolete since 2000."

Worthless: "1) Graduate from high school
2) Shut up because you don't know anything
3) Stop being such a pussy and reveal your identity. You know who I am and I'm not hiding anything, so why are you?
4) Study the English language in-depth and focus especially on sentence fragments, run-ons, and the correct usage of "then" and "than"

Maddox: "Advice for Dick:
1. Stop being a pussy. If you're going to cuss, just do it.
2. Shut up. You don't know anything.
3. Get a vasectomy."

Well he managed to slip under the radar rewording a few things from Maddox"s website hoping it wouldn"t slip under googles eye. Re-wording some of the sentences, what Mr. Justin failed to realize is he plagiarized one of the most prominent web satirists on the internet. Its simple to pick apart the inconsistencies in his arguments orchestrated by some of Maddox"s text giving the real strength to any of his arguments while the rest of it is the same petulant bickering.

"Honestly, why do all these crybaby, suckass pussies blast my chemical romance and cut their wrists every time something unfortunate happens in their lives?"
- Snore - Visited Maddox"s hate mail page recently I see.

Here Mr. Justin, (Sorry only grown-up"s are called by their last names) I believe Maddox has wrote the perfect article for a bitchflake such as yourself: http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net ... plagiarism

As they say....Imitation is the ultimate flattery....

P.S: If you were god that would obviously imply there is a much higher being, like me for instance. And since grammar is so important to you since you're indisputably so linguistically profound, I thought you"d be interested in this to fill the gap. http://www.webenglishteacher.com/creative.html

Me:

During the 20 times you visit my website daily, did it ever occur to you to read the faq section before you fire off seemingly vacuous comments? Don't worry though, you're not the only dunce who claims to make a breakthrough discovery every time you notice an obscure similarity to other work on the internet. What surprises me most is that while you were busy masturbating every time you noticed a vague familiarity between my site and Maddox's, you seemed to skip over the very first hatemail under Maddox's page. In this hatemail, an astute detective named Dick (for the sake of argument, I'll just refer to you as Dick from this point henceforward) claims that Maddox ripped off George Carlin and insists that Maddox should "get [his own] material next time." Maddox proceeds to tear open a bag of beef jerky and stick a steel boot up his ass. He reminds Dick that every now and again he likes to slip in some of Carlin's material under the radar and hope that no one will notice, which is impossible given the fact that millions of people have seen and heard Carlin's performances.

Similarly, you claim that I actively steal material from Maddox despite the fact that millions of people have seen Maddox's work, and despite the fact that I've already written over 50 pages of unique material. As I've mentioned in the faq section, which you undoubtedly didn't read, I don't steal material from anyone. The fact that my material may vaguely resemble the work of other internet satirists like Maddox or Tucker Max is further proof that my style is the greatest in the universe. I know it's discomforting for you that nobody gives a shit about your opinion anyway, but that doesn't mean you need to be resentful towards people who actually have a readership base. You like to make outrageous comparisons between the popularity of Maddox's site and my own, but you fail to realize that I never set out to get famous with this site, and neither did Maddox. If you weren't such a putz you'd realize that Maddox was actually propelled into fame because of his famous piece on children's artwork, which not only captivated millions of readers but also landed him interviews in various techtv shows and humor magazines. And besides, Maddox had a mere five readers when his site first started up. It wasn't until 2003 (four years after the site launched) that he really started breaking hippies in half. My site hasn't even been up for a year and I've already attracted over 25,000 unique readers. In addition, it continues to jump millions of positions in Alexa's ranking system every month, and I'm now the top hit on every major search engine. Oh, and the damnedest thing: I never actively pursued this type of notoriety. If you think people care about what you have to say (and they don't), why don't you start your own web site? Then again, I wouldn't expect someone who is too much of a pussy to send an email or reveal his identity to even have the balls to make one in the first place.

Well, I don't want to take up too much more of your time, Dick. I know you have lots of things to do at 2:30 in the afternoon, what with your superb detective skills. That reminds me: what is it that most people do at 2:30 in the afternoon? Oh yeah, they work. Maybe you should look into it.

Justin 'The' Varner

Nobody cares that you're a crybaby pussy, honestly

Justin Varner — Tue, 06 May 2008 23:33:27 GMT

Honestly, why do all these crybaby, suckass pussies blast my chemical romance and cut their wrists every time something unfortunate happens in their lives? And it's not like these people ever experience any real grief like losing family members, learning of a life-threatening disease, or going hungry for weeks at a time...rather, it's usually because these losers break up with their girlfriends or get rejected from every weekend party (as usual).

What makes it even worse is that these idiots constantly blabber on their myspace or livejournal pages to the three friends that they may have (and I use the term friends loosely) as if anyone gives a shit. I've come across pages that say things like "Ah, I hate my life right now, I just want to die. My girlfriend left me again" and "Fuck the world, what's the meaning of life." You see, it may came as a surprise to these people that pissing and moaning on myspace isn't going to land them any more friends; it's just going to make them look even more pathetic. I always find it amusing that the people who have everything they want in life are the ones always shitting their pants about something. You don't have it nearly as bad as some people, so do everyone a favor and end it all. It's easier than you think.

Since I am such a humanitarian, I'm offering my services once again to help people in this endeavor. Just describe the problem to me in your email and I'll be able to assist you in committing suicide more efficiently. I aim to please.

Justin 'The' Varner

My worst fears have been confirmed

Justin Varner — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 04:59:09 GMT

Below are a few emails I received in response to this pseudo-hoax that was put up April 2, 2008:

#1
From: "Steve Santiano"
To:
Subject: heads up

hey man hope everything is going well I'm an aved admirer of the site but I just wanted to let you know that I think someone hacked it. You might want to take a look at it

#2
From "Amanda Corman"
To:
Subject: problem

This site is so good and now I can't see any of it? You really need to update/fix you site before I stop reading alltogether. let me know if you need help

#3
From:
To:
Subject: haha you fag

Well its about damn time someone pwn3d your dumbass. All this time yu thought you were invincible and could do and say whatever you want but no anymore. Someone finally taught you a lesson and virtually stuck there steel boot up your ass. Go to hell asshole I hope you die

P.S. I haxxored you web site, what you gonna do?

__________________________________________________

Can you see why I hate everyone?

Justin 'The' Varner

Feminism: making gender equality progress obsolete since 1964

Justin Varner — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 02:14:30 GMT

One might think that I hate everyone, and this is generally true. However, certain groups of people really piss me off. Of course, I'm talking about feminists. My disdain towards feminists extends far beyond my contempt towards hippies, vegetarians, and children. Feminists are essentially the female equivalent of the KKK, and my solution for complete eradication is to round them all up and throw them into the Atlantic Ocean.

It seems like everywhere I go, I can't escape feminists; at school, the mall, work...they're everywhere. When they're not crying about equal pay or equal rights, they're complaining about being oppressed and marginalized. Who cares? Aside from the fact that there will never be absolute gender equality due to the innate sexual distinctions between males and females, the feminist movement is actually hindering any real progress made towards gender equality. The reason women seemingly have lower pay is because of the types of careers they pursue and the lifestyles they lead. It's no wonder a male chemical engineer gets paid more than a female secretary; it just makes sense (unless you're a feminist). Instead of forcing society to become politically correct and using this he/she bullshit and the like, why don't feminists focus on improving their personal condition? Just because a few radical extremist feminists want to change every established convention of doing things (see: nihilism), why should anyone else give a shit? It's alright to call men hunks, dudes, and studs, but somehow calling women chicks is offensive?

Speaking of which, I was at the library the other day when a crazy feminist charged at me with her double-edged sword of standards and took a swipe at my kneecaps. I didn't budge, as expected, but she just stood there and tried to look cute. I yelled to her, "If you want equal pay and equal rights, then you're going to get an equal beat down!" She tried to run away but tripped over a nearby table and fell face-first into a cactus that just happened to be there. I'm not sure how I always get so lucky.

Anyway, FYI feminists: you're not proving anything by dressing as men, not wearing bras, and masturbating over vagina monologues. If you prefer to partake in these activities for your own satisfaction, then by all means do it. But stop trying to force your agenda down people's throats. Find a new cause already and shut the hell up because nobody cares.

Justin 'The' Varner

A candid comment from an equally candid man

Justin Varner — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 03:45:44 GMT

An avid admirer of the site decided to vaguely adhere to the comment policy I outlined in several of my previous posts. Of course, being the chickenshit pussy that he is, "Steve" made it his mission to not reveal any significant details. Anyway, below is Steve's candid comment:

Steve: Wow is all i can see. A college kid with the power of the internet. What has the world come to? You did spend time addressing the unknown person that commented your blog, so in you perfect and intelligent response you made yourself look like a "dipshit". I am saddend that you will graduate from college in 2009, it shows me the youth of America are slowly regressing. They need to whine and cry about every little petty thing in their lives.
I am going to give you advice. If you don't like Facebook because you can't drool over college girls you will never be with and their too many applications and people from all walks of life on there, then quit Facebook. It is a simple process to cancel your account.
As for this girl you threw like a javelin, I am sorry you have met people that are less then you Adolf, but just so you know, though I am wondering since you are the ruler of the universe you should know this already, not everyone is great as you. I mean if you kicked so much ass at Gettysburg, why did you transfer? Needed to expand your empire? When you publish your blog "The People's Punisher", you will know the five guys from your D & D club will still be impressed by your words of wisdom and glad that you are their dungeon master.

P.S. I am sorry I did not leave my e-mail for you, but I get enough junk mail to fliter, I don't need yours. Hey at least you have a name.

Me: Thanks for the comment, Steve. I know it must be really hard for you to find time in your busy schedule to send comments to complete strangers on websites which you obviously envy. But since you decided to give me your two cents, let me reciprocate by dissecting your comment:

You said something like "Wow is all I can see." That's a very critical observation you made. Tell me Steve, what exactly does wow look like, you dolt? You then went on to say "I am saddend that you will graduate from college in 2009, it shows me the youth of America are slowly regressing. They need to whine and cry about every little petty thing in their lives." First off, you spelled saddened wrong you dumbass. Oh and another thing: While the youth of America continues to regress, as you say, what exactly is it that you're doing? Oh wait, not a damn thing. For simplicity, I'll assume that statement was meant to be self-reflexive, even though you're too much of a putz to know what that means anyway. Then, you piss and moan about facebook and suggest that I remove my account. No, I think I'd rather chastise morons like you that use facebook as a popularity tool by having millions of pseudo-facebook friends, dozens of useless apps, and numerous meaningless wall posts. And by the way, you basically murdered the English language with your stilted run-on(s). Someone who has such an unassailable grasp of the English language ought to know better, especially since you criticized one of my previous comments for being unintelligible. Since we're on the subject of grammar, you also seem to be confusing the usage of "then", like when you rambled "I am sorry that you have met people that are less then you Adolf." You see Steve, then is typically used to discuss time whereas than is commonly used to make comparisons. I.e., you're a moron. On a final note, you seem to have a misunderstanding of how email works. Guess what dumbass: I don't send anybody emails from this site. I get a large volume of hate mail and comments from dipshits just like you every month, but if you didn't already notice, I publish my responses to my fan's asinine emails strictly on this site. Just so you know, you can't get junk email from simply sending a message out, you idiot. I would in turn have to respond to your email, which I don't do. So to sum it all up, here's some final advice I can give to you so that maybe you can stop being such a social parasite:

1) Graduate from high school
2) Shut up because you don't know anything
3) Stop being such a pussy and reveal your identity. You know who I am and I'm not hiding anything, so why are you?
4) Study the English language in-depth and focus especially on sentence fragments, run-ons, and the correct usage of "then" and "than"

Well that about does it for now. I look forward to receiving another asinine remark (hopefully in the form of an email) from you soon.

Justin 'The' Varner